Blogs

Part of The Middle School Years: A Parent's Guide

Facilitators: Dr. Heather Hale & Todd Nahigian, CROYA

Find out what kids want you to know, what they're afraid to say, and how to connect with them. Learn hands-on skills to help you develop techniques for successful communication with your child, that include tough subjects like drinking, drugs and other at-risk behavior.

Parents had many questions for Todd and Heather at the Jan 27th session. **NEW BLOGS**Click on a topic listed below to read a parent's question, Todd's and Heather's Response, and post your own comment or question.

Video: What Kids Want You to Know

...and How Your Response Can Encourage Smart Choices

Another parent mentioned "he/she would prefer their child to get a piercing vs. a tattoo, because the piercing can close," [while a tattoo is permanent].

Dr. Heather Hale's & Todd Nahigian's Response

Youth in every generation do different things to represent and identify themselves. It can be difficult for parents when they see the "new and improved" method of creating identity as worse than in previous generations. Finding something new is meaningful to youth because it sets their generation apart. Meaning, they don't get lumped in with another group from the past. When looked at from a general, objective perspective this is a form of individuation or building a sense of autonomy.

A Parent asked..."How do you help your child when they think they have to be perfect?..."

...How do you help them be more relaxed, realistic, and feel good about who they are, faults and all?"

Heather Hale's & Todd Nahigian's Response

The first thing to remember is that parents' role modeling and a child's perceived expectations of his/her parents has a direct impact on whether they think they have to be perfect. Be aware of the statements you make to your kids. Demonstate to your child it is okay to make mistakes. Role model how to deal with imperfections and faults gracefully. Also be mindful your child is getting information from peers, the community, at school and in the media. Your children operate in a community, like it or not, where appearances can be considered very important.

Ask who your child sees as perfect? Have them describe that person and their attributes. Comparing is something we all do to a certain degree but it crosses the line when you're unable to acknowledge that everyone has faults, and it is okay to make mistakes. Making mistakes is a normal part of growing and learning.

A Parent Asked "Would you say more about "triggers," and explain what they are?

Heather Hale's & Todd Nahigian's Response

A trigger is an emotional stimulus that causes an emotional or behavioral response. For example, being bullied at school could be a trigger for sadness, anxiety or fear. We have both worked with children who will refuse to go to school following incidents of bullying. The trigger is bullying. The feeling is the fear, sadness, hurt or anxiety. The behavior that follows in this example is school refusal.

The key to understanding our own triggers is first accepting that we all have them. Think about what things get you upset very quickly. Sometimes you may not even realize your feelings have been hurt until you reflect back on why you got angry so quickly. Doing the work to figure out what your triggers are will help you acknowledge them and prepare you to deal with them more appropriately. This helps you respond to your child's challenges, needs and emotions vs. getting their emotional state or responses confused with your own. This level of self-awareness can help each of us in most facets of our lives.

"What do you tell your kids when they ask you how many times you've been drunk, or whether you've ever been really drunk?"

In general is is very important to gauge where your child is coming from when they ask this type of question. With respect to your past choices or behavior or specifically with regard to drinking, you may not have to give much more than a quick and simple response to diffuse their interest. This allows you to talk about the issue in a meaningful way for your child while taking you out of the spotlight. For example, trying something like, "What makes you ask?" or "How would that information be helpful for you"? Taking this approach can help you answer the question at the young person's level with information that is relevant.

Author Betty Frank-Bailey is the Executive Director of LEAD and the Speak Up! Prevention Coalition

Author Debbie Gross, LCSW, facilitated the Jan 13th session of LEAD's "The Middle School Years" series

I truly enjoyed being able to discuss Resilience: How to Nurture and Develop Your Teen’s Inner Self as part of "The Middle School Years: A Parents' Guide" offered through LEAD. I hope those of you that attended walked away with a better sense of what you as a parent can do to enhance the self-motivation and responsibility in your teens. Remember that teaching them how to manage their disappointments and failures will lead to resilience and empowerment. Please spend some time in the coming weeks to incorporate the following homework assignment into your daily lives. Let us know on this blog which one you are doing, and what impact it has on your family’s life. Remember that as families make changes, the first response might be resistance. Stick with it, stay positive, and see if, after four or five weeks, you notice the positive effects of your efforts.

Teaching teens to own their actions, grades, and life choices is one of the hardest tasks of parenting. In the January 13 seminar, parents learned tools to improve communication with their teens and received practical strategies to help their teens learn to find motivation internally rather than seek external rewards and gratification.

Discuss these strategies. Share your comments by clicking on "Add new comment" below.

You're the parent of a middle school child. You're proud of what your child is becoming and are constantly amazed at the new skills and knowledge he/she is developing: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, decision making skills, and relationship skills. This is a time when you want to maintain the closeness you shared in the past, but find that your adolescent seems to be pulling away from you. You miss that special bond that used to happen so effortlessly.