Emotional "Triggers" for Child and Parent

A Parent Asked "Would you say more about "triggers," and explain what they are?

Heather Hale's & Todd Nahigian's Response

A trigger is an emotional stimulus that causes an emotional or behavioral response. For example, being bullied at school could be a trigger for sadness, anxiety or fear. We have both worked with children who will refuse to go to school following incidents of bullying. The trigger is bullying. The feeling is the fear, sadness, hurt or anxiety. The behavior that follows in this example is school refusal.

The key to understanding our own triggers is first accepting that we all have them. Think about what things get you upset very quickly. Sometimes you may not even realize your feelings have been hurt until you reflect back on why you got angry so quickly. Doing the work to figure out what your triggers are will help you acknowledge them and prepare you to deal with them more appropriately. This helps you respond to your child's challenges, needs and emotions vs. getting their emotional state or responses confused with your own. This level of self-awareness can help each of us in most facets of our lives.

Another Parent Added..."One of my spouse's triggers is "Respect...

...He/She feels it is wrong and disrespectful for our child not to greet him/her in the evening and give a debriefing on the child's day. This lack of communication is the source of a lot of stress at home. I know this is par for the course with a 12-year old, but how do I convince my spouse this is normal?"

Heather Hale's & Todd Nahigian's Response

A powerful part of parenting is being on the same page as your spouse or co-parent. If two parents have differing viewpoints on a topic, you can bet their child will ascribe to whichever viewpoint is closest to the one that serves their purpose. This creates a dangerous dynamic, in that now one parent is aligned with the child against the other parent. Taking time to admit and discuss each other's "triggers" can go a long way to productive parenting.

The developmental stage a 12-year old is in makes it very difficult for him/her to enjoy "debriefing" their day with their parents. Redefining what is respectful at different stages of development is a big part of effective communication. If a parent is not willing to accept that, then one suggestion would be to sit down as a family and allow each member to share what respect looks like to them. Each person can share and respond to the others so that each persons expectations and needs are out in the open. Remind your spouse that one of the keys to successful parenting is providing your child with the ability to resolve conflict and begin to determine what is important to them, while respecting authority and expectations. What better place to help a child learn this than in the safety of their own home?

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About our BLOG authors: Heather Hale, Psy.D., LCPC, CADC. Todd Nahigian, Assistant Director CROYA. Both have extensive experience working with pre-teens, teens, and parents in our community.