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Resilience: How to Nurture and Develop Your Teen’s Inner Self
Author Debbie Gross, LCSW, facilitated the Jan 13th session of LEAD's "The Middle School Years" series
I truly enjoyed being able to discuss Resilience: How to Nurture and Develop Your Teen’s Inner Self as part of "The Middle School Years: A Parents' Guide" offered through LEAD. I hope those of you that attended walked away with a better sense of what you as a parent can do to enhance the self-motivation and responsibility in your teens. Remember that teaching them how to manage their disappointments and failures will lead to resilience and empowerment. Please spend some time in the coming weeks to incorporate the following homework assignment into your daily lives. Let us know on this blog which one you are doing, and what impact it has on your family’s life. Remember that as families make changes, the first response might be resistance. Stick with it, stay positive, and see if, after four or five weeks, you notice the positive effects of your efforts.
HOMEWORK: Select one idea from the list below and incorporate it into your family routine. Be sure to blog about your efforts.
Journaling or Emailing
- If you choose to journal, purchase a small notebook for each of your children. Explain the purpose of the journal – just a way to share private thoughts between you and your child. Tell him you will leave the journal in a specific place in his room when you have written in it, and he can leave it on your pillow or by your nightstand if you need to read it.
- If you choose to email, let your child know that you want to use email to share private thoughts between you both. Let her know she can respond or initiate conversation.
- Make sure you don’t OVERDO it. Only write to your child once or twice a week at most.
- ALWAYS respond respectfully and promptly to their emails or journals to you.
- Keep your thoughts positive and sincere. Don’t fake it!
Spending one-on-one time together: What would your teen like to do?
- Find time once a week to spend together doing something teen-focused
- Grocery shopping or folding laundry doesn’t count!
- This activity doesn’t have to cost any money, and shouldn’t cost a lot of money. You don’t have to buy your teen’s time or attention!
Family meals
- Plan on spending at least one night a week eating together as a family.
- Make sure everyone can attend ahead of time – don’t wait to the last minute to tell the family, and then feel disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
- Plan the menu together or make sure that there are items at the table that each person will enjoy.
Family Nights
- At least twice during the month, up to once a week, spend the evening together.
- Decide together how to select activities. It can be by submitting ideas into a hat and selecting the winning choice or rotating amongst family members. Everyone needs to agree to participate in each other’s activities, and parameters on what can be selected can be talked about ahead of time. (i.e. – activity that lasts 1-2 hours, in the house, no cost, etc.)
Feel free to contact me at help4u@debbiegrosstherapy.com with any additional questions or thoughts. Happy parenting! Fondly, Debbie Gross, LCSW
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About our BLOG author: Debbie Gross is a licensed clinical social worker providing individual, marital & family therapy in the north suburbs. She specializes in working with children, couples, and families. She speaks to educators, parents, and community groups on topics including: bullying, children's self-esteem, and positive discipline and guidance. Debbie is also a mother of twenty-year-old identical twins and a sixteen-year-old. For more information on Debbie, visit her website at www.debbiegrosstherapy.com
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It's been about a month since I had the privilege of speaking to the group of parents on the topic of Resilience in our Children. I hope that, if you weren't able to make the program, you have had a chance to view the presentation via webcast on this site. I'd love to hear from parents who have begun to incorporate some of the concepts discussed into their family life. If you click on the 'homework' link on the main page of Resilience, you will see some of the suggestions.
If you have begun journaling with your children, or are having more family meals, or even spending some good, kid focused time together, please post here and let us hear about the impact it has on your family.
I hope that each parent who attended feels more comfortable in his or her role, and is working to let each child manage both the positive and negative consequences of his or her actions while providing guidance, love and support. Teaching your child to manage disappointments and frustrations will lead to the development of a healthy resilient young adult. Wishing you happiness...Debbie
I came to this workshop feeling like we were not doing anything right for our daughter. I left knowing that we are! Having family meals, family nights and one-on-one time where she chooses the activity are already a part of our life. Now to try the journaling. I have also stepped back this week in trying to make everything right when something has gone wrong for her. It has been insightful to listen to her ideas of what she could do differently next time.
Looking forward to next week. Thanks Debbie.
So glad to hear you found confidence in your parenting. So often we doubt ourselves if there are struggles at home. I'm also glad to hear your daughter starting to self-manage her problems or mistakes. How great that you are seeing her abilities come out too! Good luck with the journaling. I'd love to hear how that works out as well!
Debbie Gross' presentation on 1/13, gave me the opportunity to reflect on my own experiences as a parent of many girls ... now ranging in age from 11 to 29. Just focusing on the characterstics of resilience that Debbie discussed at the end of her presentation helped me see more clearly how helping my own kids develop resilience, discover and be confident in their inner selves, and gradually become independent is a vital and very long process starting before middle school and continuing through high school and beyond.
For some reason we tend to focus a lot on grades as a way of gauging our child's success in life(and to some degree, maybe our own). Wrongly so, I think. Yes, grades help with college and it is one sign that things are going well or not, but it's a very narrow view into the "whole" child's well being and their progress in developing into young adults. As kids hit the first and second year of college, the "rubber hits the road" so to speak, and we can really see how they function relatively independently while under stress. If parent and child have been highly preoccupied with grades up to that point, the kids may miss the chance to explore topics, areas of study, or new hobbies/sports that are of interest to them because of fear of failure, fear of a B, or whatever. Kids may also may not get the positive attention from parents for things they're doing right that have nothing to do with grades, like community service, developing positive family relationships, learning to cope with stress constructively, taking positive constructive risks, etc. I think we need to keep our eye on the "whole" child and substantially reduce the amount of time we spend thinking and talking about test scores and report cards.
I also love the journal assignment because it's a great way to hear what is on my kids' minds. They have shared thoughts and feelings that I've never considered or that they just couldn't figure out how to "say out loud". Once they surfaced it in writing, it's then a lot easier to talk about from time to time.
Great job Debbie!
You have shared some great points on what to focus on in our children. So many times I hear stories of how a child excelled in school but did not get into the college of his or her choice because the depth beyond the education was lacking. Helping children to find what their talents are, to enjoy activities for the purpose of friendship and skill building, and to give back to the community are what helps define them as individuals. Thanks for reminding everyone about those aspects!
As I've come to expect from you, Debbie, an EXCELLENT presentation full of practical and realistic ideas for boosting children's resilience. I definitely see resilience as a key attribute to being able to meet one's potential... The ability to try new things without excessive fear of failure and dwelling on it when it occurs. These are keys; I bet our children/students will thank us later if we are successful at nurturing this quality, because it carries across all aspects of life.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so grateful to be given the opportunity to interact with the parents in Lake Forest and Lake Bluff!