On Monday, February 11, 2008, 40 people gathered at the Lake Bluff Library for a book discussion of Laura Sessions new book, “Unhooked:  How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both.”  The discussion was led by our local social workers: Kim Bagnoli, Carly Jacks and Jean Odwazny.  Here are a number of comments from both the facilitators and participants during the 1-1/2 hour discussion Bagnoli: “What we used to call ‘the shame walk’ has been renamed ‘the stride of pride.’”  -“Most interesting that our daughters don’t value relationships because at home they see divorce and feel that their “marriage will blow up anyway.” -“I don’t think they’re (girls in college and high school) having fun.  They feel bad.  They don’t know how to have good relationships.”  Odwazny:“Teens are so focused on academics, not interested in developing relationships.” -“Parents are permissive.  They create the environment.  High school freshman date college freshman.  Shows on tv are shocking. Bagnoli:  “Parents need to be very involved.  Their lack of attachment like they’re in an emotional coma.  We are seeing suicide, depression, eating disorders. The author talks about hooking up.  How they communicate through texting.  Healthy relationships aren’t promoted by the internet.” Jacks: “Think about the indirect messages we give to our kids.  Kid comes home with break-up news.  We tell her it’s ok, don’t worry.  Kids then dismiss relationships and push them away.  Studies say that they don’t know how to date.” -“Plenty of fish in the sea.” -“We need to honor their emotions.  It’s ok to be sad.  Kids want to be validated. Kids want to vent to their parents.” -“Don’t date, have friendships.  Get off the internet.  Be with people.  There are no conversations with my daughter because she is text messaging, im’ng.” Bagnoli: “Limit setting is ok” -“We want to protect our kids from any negative experience.  Who protected you?” -Why do our kids want to be protected?  We as parents want to give them what we didn’t have.  Also, see child as ourselves.  We project onto them as opposed to let them be on their own.” Bagnoli: “Parents want to protect them from pain. It’s important to feel emotions.” -“It’s a totally different environment today.  I realized what I had – a boyfriend who was a gentleman.  My daughter feels like an oddball at college.  She’s not hooking up.  Feels left out.  Feels she wants a relationship, but has not found someone yet.  She cried in high school because she wished she was ‘pretty.’  They don’t always have to achieve, just love them for who they are. Girls still worry about how they look.  They still want to be invited to the prom.” -“We are in a result-oriented society.  There is no correlation between grades and success. MIT says this generation has the lowest tolerance for failure – parents always bail them out.” -“It’s a process, not an end.  Most of us weren’t the most popular girl…” -“The Price of Privilege says that what kids wanted most was time with parents.  Home is secure to them.  Most important thing we can give to them.  Accommodate our schedule for kids so we can interact.” Bagnoli: “Two points.  Parents as role models.  The parents’ relationship – loving.  .  Girls want to communicate, to share.” -“Validate kids’ feelings. It helps them for future relationships and guidelines of what to look for in a spouse.” -“Need for hooking up is the longing of just wanting to be held.  Girls want love and physical affection, not sex.” -“Human contact.  The biggest mistake was to stop hugging my sons when they were taller than me.” -“I’ve been married for 40 years and I can’t undo what happened.  My daughter has seen conflict and love in my marriage.  Not all kids need or want to be hugged. Not all of us are made the same.” -“See kids as ‘desensitized.’  They see hook-up as ok.  Friends influence them more than parents during high school.  How can we reach them?” Jacks: “Have dinner table discussions.  Have healthy conversations about the pros and cons of relationships.  It’s hard, but worth a try.” -“Most distressing for kids in their 20’s because of hooking up they have a hard time dealing with relationships.  Talk all you want.  They don’t listen. -“Need more discussion with kids from kids.  Kids need to talk about this more than at dinner and walks in the park.” -“Are there opportunities for the school to talk?” Jacks: “There are girls’ groups, health classes, open discussions on healthy lifestyles.” -“They are given information on mechanical aspects of sex, but we don’t address the emotional side of it. This is more important than using a condom.  Kids look to sex for comfort, esteem, confidence.” Bagnoli: “Also, issue at college level is  girls want emotional aspect and to talk about it.  As parents it’s easier to talk problem logistics than emotions.” -“LEAD, CROYA, churches have opportunities available for these discussions, but they are often seen as less important than the ACT tutor group.” Odwazny: “CROYA has topic night. ‘ Everything you want to know about the opposite sex, but were afraid to ask.’  It’s very popular. I encourage you to meet your kids where they’re at.  They want to tell you about themselves.  Don’t dismiss their shows, music, friends.  Also, there is a girls’ group at CROYA for 7th and 8th grade across all schools.  The #1 topic is relationships with other girls.” -“Awareness.  College girls – seniors graduating said concerned about getting married out of college.  They have many guy friends.  They must get out and work, but how are they going to meet guys – at church?  Bars or clubs?  This doesn’t seem like a  real way to build a relationship.  They are concerned whether their generation will ever get married.” -“Post grads, kids do start dating, but are fumbling because they had no experience during college.” -“ Advice to child at LFHS.  When you walk into the cafeteria, you want to have 3 groups of friends.  The more you feel you belong and have a group, staves off some of the hooking up issues.” -“Parents and society say success is material things – jobs, money, etc.  Maybe as parents we should let them know that life partners are much more important.  Kids are transient.  Too hard to move on and parents bailing out kids.” -“Our generation rebelled against authority.  We distrusted.  We do that.  The school calls and parent says, ‘No, you’re mistaken.’” -“We have taught our kids that we’ll work the system.” Bagnoli:  “Parents play a role.  Saying what’s important as parents – the messages we send.  What are we conveying to our kids?” -“We told them in high school that there is no time for relationships because of ACT’s, etc.  We’ve taught them that they don’t have time.” -“Parents fix everything.  We forget how important those time were for us. Terrible times are when we learned the most.  In retrospect, we are grateful for the event.” -“The courting process was so structured.  Today there is no guidance for relationships.  They’ve never been taught.” -“We are light years away from our kids and how we were raised.  I tell them stories from my past.  They need to hear some of your stories, especially when things didn’t work out the way you wanted.” -Kids need structure and relationships.” Bagnoli: “How many had strict rules?  How many have them today?” -“If parents are too strict, kid won’t call you if there’s a problem.” -“College is more conducive to hooking up.  Alcohol and drugs are involved.  It’s happening at high school and college.” -“Do your kids choose to participate?  If they decide not to, but all friends do, they feel pressure.” Bagnoli:  “Good topic for parents and teens.  Being a minority is ok.  Don’t need to be the same.  Have kids talk about it.” -“Kids want to fit in.  Do all they can to fit in.” -“What message are we sending when we have our 10 year old daughters get an HPV vaccine?” -“Same as with birth control. They have such peer pressure. They don’t understand the emotional implications of sex.” -“Alcohol and drugs are a huge part of promiscuity.” -“Drinking is so prevalent.” -“In LF & LB, we excel at so many things including underage drinking.  Invite you to join the Underage Drinking Task Force.  Make it less prevalent.” Bagnoli: “Underage drinking is a huge factor in all of this.  Glad you brought it up.  But also, don’t just say don’t do it – also say do have healthy relationships.  This book is a way to start the conversation…thanks for coming today.”