Why should parents talk regularly about the risks of alcohol and
drugs?
Because
it works.
Research indicates that kids whose parents talk to them openly
about alcohol and drugs are significantly less likely to engage
in risky behavior.
Kids
care how you feel.
Studies among students revealed that parents are the #1 reason
they don’t use alcohol or drug. They don’t want to
disappoint their parents, and don’t want to suffer the consequences,
either.
They need your information, perspective, and advice.
As kids reach new developmental stages, they need more specific
information about alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs. Parents must
be there to provide this information in a warm and loving way,
complete with the rules that exist in their family. Programs at
school can provide some of the information, but not with the kind
of guidance or timing that a parent can provide.
It is a myth that educating kids about the specifics of
drugs and alcohol will make them more likely to try them.
In fact, just the opposite is true. As parents provide information
about the risks, they also teach kids to think differently about
people who abuse substances, making kids less likely to want to
spend time with kids who exhibit risky behavior.
Kids want to have boundaries.
They recognize (despite their complaining) that parents who have
rules to protect their kids actually care about them. It is okay
to say “we don’t allow drugs or alcohol in our house;
we don’t allow you to use them.” Be firm, be clear,
and be prepared to deliver consequences if your rules are not
observed.
When should parents talk to kids about the risks?
Early and often.
It is a fact of life that kids are being exposed to risky behavior
at younger and younger ages. The average age in America of first
use of alcohol is age 11, and the average age of first exposure
to marijuana is age 12. Parents should ingrain in their kids the
information that alcohol and drugs can be harmful before they
are faced with these choices. Starting in pre-school and continuing
through college, parents should talk (and listen) about the impact
of drugs, tobacco, and alcohol on young people.
Use
language that kids can understand,
especially with students in preschool or elementary years. It
is important to help them understand the differences between drugs
used as medicine and drugs used in improper and dangerous ways.
Click here for tips by age.
Have
regular conversations with your kids about risky behavior. The
best time to bring up information about drugs and alcohol is when
they bring up the topic. Ask a lot of questions, being careful
to listen to what concerns they have. Use teachable moments to
address the subject (a TV show, watching someone smoke, observing
someone who has had too much to drink, etc), rather than just
having a one time “talk.” There is no simple one time
innoculation for substance abuse prevention, unfortunately.
Add
tips for dealing with situations that begin to arise as kids reach
middle school.
Ages 13-14 is an important transition time, when kids are particularly
at risk.
Don’t
stop when kids are in college.
They still value your thoughts, but listen carefully so you get
a picture of the issues they are facing. Try to stay calm, even
when their comments scare you, in order to keep the conversation
flowing.
What should parents say?
Get educated about the substances your kids are being exposed
to today.
Things have changed significantly since when you were young; the
drugs are stronger, different, more available, putting kids at
greater risk than in earlier decades. You can contact LEAD for
pamphlets and articles, or go to the websites listed below.
Present
the information in a firm yet warm way.
You
don’t want your kids to be using these things because it
will hurt them and you love them. But you can also say “We
don’t find alcohol or drug use acceptable for you.”
Be
specific about the effects of drugs and make sure your information
is correct. Don’t exaggerate or use incorrect information,
or your credibility will be at risk.
Be
an active listener. Kids as young as 10 report that they are worried about the
pressure to be involved with drugs or alcohol. Parent studies
show that parents are far less worried than their kids are! Help
them deal with these pressures!
Work
on role playing. If you can, try to give them some tools to deal with
peer group pressures.
Be
firm and don’t give in on your rules. “Kids who admitted to drinking or using illegal
drugs were twice as likely to say they can always change the mind
of an adult to get their way.” (Washington Post, July, 2006).
You CAN hold the line.
Know your kids friends and their families.
Sometimes you are able to find out information from another parent,
who heard it from her child, which you should know. Develop those
lines of communication. And make sure to understand other families’
rules, and attitudes about alcohol, drugs, and other things that
might concern you.
Establish clear boundaries and reasonable, yet firm,
consequences.
For help, consider taking a “Love and Logic” class,
in order to learn a simple and effect way to develop these skills.
Set a good example.
Watch your own behavior about the role of alcohol or drugs in
your life, and be aware that kids are very adept at picking up
these things. Kids will often do as they see you do, not as you
say.
Have dinner together regularly.
Countless studies have shown that families that dine together
communicate better, and kids feel more connected, and are less
likely to exhibit risky behavior.
Monitor your kid’s behavior.
Keep tabs on where they are going, who they are with, what condition
they are in when they return home.
If you sense a problem with drug or alcohol use,
seek help right away. Don’t wait until a crisis pulls your family apart.
Seek out a school social worker, therapist, or psychologist to
help you. For referrals, you can call the LEAD office for confidential
suggestions.
Exchange ideas with other parents.
Attend the several parent networking sessions that the middle
school and high school have, or form a group among your friends.
Agree to help one another hold the line and protect kids.This
information has been put together using several different sources.
Here are some additional websites that can be helpful to parents
and to kids:
Myths about Underage Drinking, by Social Worker
Brenda Colan
Fallacy: Since teens are going to drink no matter
what we say, we might as well have them drink at our homes where
we can keep an eye on them and take the car keys away.
Yikes! This is not only a myth, but indeed a very dangerous belief
system. Taking care of the external physical landscape does not
make the internal landscape of a vulnerable adolescent safe. Teens
drinking in your home could be on medications you are unaware of
that will interact negatively with alcohol. They may come from homes
where there is a history of alcoholism and addiction and be particularly
at risk - they may cross the line from weekend binge drinker to
alcoholic in your basement that night. There are many other behaviors
that don’t involve driving that could result in alcohol related
injury or even death. Keeping an eye on a bunch of drunken kids
is a daunting task - the likelihood of unsafe sexual activity and
violence amongst the teens increases dramatically when alcohol is
present. Lastly, a friendly reminder - it’s against the law
and the liability issues are profound.
Fallacy: Teens need to practice drinking in high school
so they learn their limits early and don’t go wild in college.
Heavy drinking in high school increases limits (tolerance) in a
dangerous way and can prevent teens from developing the very skills
necessary for an emotionally healthy adult life. High school students
need to practice living, not drinking, in order to be ready for
college. Young people who are “prepared” for college
life have mastered the crucial tasks of adolescence - they are able
to deal with disappointment, boredom and joy. They know how to regulate
their moods and manage their feelings without alcohol - this is
how they gain the maturity to drink alcohol safely. Again, many
college students are making low risk choices around alcohol, but
nobody is writing articles or showing newscasts about them. Studies
have shown us that the students who fall apart drinking in college
are the ones who brought a drinking problem with them from high
school. When the fences that kept them somewhat under control in
high school fall away and they are free to drink they way they always
dreamed of…that’s when disaster strikes. Binge drinking
doesn’t really begin on college campuses, it’s continued
in a more reckless way. I believe that the many students I meet
who are making good decisions in high school continue to make good
decisions in college - even if they dabble in alcohol, it is not
going to make or break them, as they are already fairly complete
when they arrive.
Fallacy: It’s unrealistic to believe my child
will never drink in high school or at least try it with friends.
It’s important that we don’t take on our teen’s
worldview in the matter of substance use - kids need adults to have
a different perspective than their peers in order to feel like someone
is in charge. Parents who see alcohol and other drug use as normal,
understandable or inevitable will almost certainly have children
who use - their own parents don’t believe they can or should
abstain. The “everybody’s doing it” idea is simply
not true. Drinkers have more visibility and seem to get more microphone
time, but solid research shows us that the majority of teens are
making sound, healthy decisions regarding alcohol and other drugs;
they are just not as loud about their lives! Experiencing “wild
sobriety” every weekend is not a sexy story to tell at the
cafeteria table. National Studies have proven that teens who receive
a firm, loving non-use message at home are significantly less likely
to engage in substance use of any kind. Parents who focus on the
health and safety issues have more success, as this is rooted in
love and concern, rather than judgment. All research points to parental
involvement as being the single most important factor in an adolescent’s
relationship to alcohol. Drug free kids cite parental disappointment
as the #1 reason for their choice not to use. Our goal is not to
make sure that our child never drinks in their lifetime; we are
hoping to postpone drinking as long as possible. When people have
acquired a complete set of cognitive, social and coping skills,
they will be ready to approach alcohol reasonably as an adult.
